Zio Loris died yesterday. I got there just as the priest was about to perform last rites. He was 54 years old. When he was originally diagnosed with lung cancer, he was given six months to live. He lived six years. I truly believe he chose to die yesterday. After ten days on oxygen and morphine, yesterday he refused to use the oxygen tank. He literally said "basta." He was perfectly lucid to the very end. In the last few days, he was not even able to eat. This was torture for a man for whom a day without a huge bowl of pasta was "un giorno incompiuto" (an incomplete day). We took him out for Mexican once, and he tried everything we ordered and loved it. But at a certain point he said, "This is all good but when do these Mexicans eat their primo?" For him, the primo was pasta. He couldn't imagine a meal without his beloved first course.
He could have perhaps gone on longer as he was, but would we have wanted that? No. We are now grateful he went when and how he did - at home on a beautiful autumn day with all the windows open so he could get some "air" and with his wife by his side. As I think back over the last year and how "well" we thought he was doing despite his condition, I realize that he was deteriorating little by little, and selfishly, I don't think we wanted to see how much his quality of life was diminishing. We were just happy he was still here. Yesterday morning as he labored to catch his breath, he half jokingly told his wife that he wasn't struggling to breathe. He was struggling to die. I honestly believe that death didn't come for him yesterday. After so many years of being at the mercy of that horrible disease, he made a conscious decision and went to death willingly. He knew there was only greater suffering to come, and I think he wanted to spare himself and his family that. Goodbye caro zio.
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- Michellanea
- I am an American journalist living in Italy but this is by no means an homage to my "bella vita" or a compendium of recipes. I like Italy but I don't have that full-on Italophilia that many others seem to have. I love and miss my country but I often don't like it. These have been the overriding themes of my life in the last few years, so I thought I'd share the confusion and contradictions.
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12 comments:
Michelle, teared up here. I am glad that he was able to choose in a sense...I am very sorry for Cristiano and his family, and who zio left behind.
*Hug*
Maybe it just gives me comfort to believe he chose. But I really think he did. I know we didn't expect him to go so "soon" and thought he'd hang on a bit longer. Cristiano is pretty torn up, but is strong and comes from a strong family. There is a lot of support there. Thanks a lot.
My condolances to you and your family. A relative's death is always hard, even if they seem to chose it and die with dignity as he did.
Condolences to you, Cristiano and your family. Cancer is hard and scary. But it seems Zio was a fighter, since he lasted 5 1/2 years longer then he was told.
Michelle, I'm so sorry. I do believe that sometimes terminally ill people will choose when to die. I'm convinced that my father did the same (he died of lung cancer too.) There's something consoling in thinking that they choose to go when they're ready.
That's so very sad, but like you say, maybe he chose to go now. Even though he'd been so very strong he'd had enough of the fighting.
Condolences to you and Cristiano and his family.
My condolences. It is good he was surrounded by the people he loved.
Michelle, I won't pretend that I know what to say to you, being that I don't know you personally, but I send my sincere condolences. I can say that from what you write in your blog, it sounds like you really gave your time, support and love to your uncle in order to give him the best time possible, even if it was not as much time as you hoped.
Jennifer
I'm very sorry to hear about your uncle. :(
Sorry, I meant husband's uncle.
J. Doe,
Thanks. Very sweet.
Piccola,
Zio was a fighter but he made it look so easy. I'm only sad we didn't realize how much of a struggle he had going on until the very end.
KC,
Yes, I agree. I had never had any experience with terminal illness before but I do believe now that some people are able through force of will to take matters into their own hands and not "take it lying down" so to speak.
Delina,
Thanks so much.
NYC/Caribbean,
He was very lucky that way. Surrounded by friends and family all through his illness and even at the end.
Jennifer,
Thanks. We got much more time than we expected (as did his daughter whom he managed to see go from four years old to almost eleven).
Kataroma,
Thanks to you as well. Yes, my husband's uncle. But a very near and dear uncle. My husband grew up with him (the aunt and uncle and cousins lived in the other half of his house - very Italian) and we now live around the corner. On summer nights when we had our windows cracked (or even sometimes with the windows closed), we could hear his uncle's booming laugh coming from the back patio.
So comforting to read this. I lost two of my Italian aunts this year and the pain has receded, but I miss talking to them. The story about the flowers is so Italian. It sounds like something they would have said, "Don't waste those flowers." Thanks, I needed a laugh.
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