I've begun the theory portion of my prenatal classes. The contrast between how childbirth is presented in Italy and how it is presented in the U.S. is very interesting. In many of my English-speaking books, they explain the baby's journey through the birth canal as something like a loving adventure through the cradling archways (one book uses the term "canopies"), twists and turns of the mother's anatomy. In Italy - where Italians are so famous for their superlatives and "issimos" - they don't mince words. I keep having childbirth explained to me as being "one of the most violent experiences of your and your baby's life." On one hand, I appreciate the frankness. On the other hand, they are scaring me to death.
I was talking to a neighbor the other day who just gave birth two months ago and she told me "In Italia, ti fanno soffrire come una bestia" (In Italy, they make you suffer like a beast) during childbirth. She had done yoga, meditation and breathing classes but she said that it all went out the window after 24 hours of hard labor and she was begging for any kind of pain relief or even a C-section, but as she had chosen what she called "a very Catholic hospital," they wouldn't give in to her pleas. The hospital I've chosen is actually pro-epidural, which is still quite rare in Italy. It is apparently offered somewhat freely and for free. You just have to take a mini-course on the dangers of the epidural first and bring a doctor's note to the hospital saying you are physically fit for the epidural. I don't know if I will ask for an epidural, but I'm happy to know I've got the option. I'm all about options, and often in Italy, you have none. Beggars can't be choosers. Take it or leave it. The phrase "Have it your way" is unknown here.
In the U.S., the hospitals have entire pamphlets and websites dedicated to their "five-star" birthing suites and the spa-like amenities offered, ranging from Jacuzzi tubs to special menus. Here again, in Italy they go the tough love route (uh, and there are no websites or pamphlets for the maternity wards). The hospital where I'll be giving birth stressed just how big, busy and disorganized it was - the phrase "porto di mare" (busy sea port) was actually used - but told us to try to ignore the chaos as we would get could care nonetheless. It was as if they wanted us to keep our expectations of the birthing experience as low as possible (even for the epidural, they tell you that you will have "a chance at getting the epidural" if you go through the whole mini-course and process of getting doctor's note - again, keeping the expectations to a minimum; no promises). Yes, I'd rather have someone tell me how it is as opposed to giving me false expectations. But must they repeatedly use the term "violent"?
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- I am an American journalist living in Italy but this is by no means an homage to my "bella vita" or a compendium of recipes. I like Italy but I don't have that full-on Italophilia that many others seem to have. I love and miss my country but I often don't like it. These have been the overriding themes of my life in the last few years, so I thought I'd share the confusion and contradictions.
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9 comments:
Not having given birth I have no idea but maybe the reality is somewhere between the Italian negative view and the American romanticised view? From what others have said, your body just kind of takes over and does what is has to do during labour - that has got to be a pretty unnerving experience but I've also heard it described as "fascinating."
Anyway, to ease your worries - do your best to have the epidural available. Maybe you won't need it - but try to make sure that it is at least an option. Use any doctor contacts you have! :)
Having given birth twice, with no pain killers either time, I have to say that the pain for me was so great that when the babies finally came out, the relief was that much more exquisite. Honestly, I felt like I was in heaven...until I realized that the OBGYN was stitching up a 3rd degree tear. I had heard loads of information on giving birth, but nobody ever gave details on recovering from birthing. After the fact, I decided that it would have been more useful for me to know about recovery.
It is a question of advocacy, both in the US and in Italy, i.e. who advocates for the woman in labor. Labor is so intense (you could say violent, but why would you want to do that?) that the laboring woman is in no position to advocate for herself, to be given epidural, to be left alone, to be given more time before resorting to a c-section, etc. The husband or partner or friend or doula, whoever is there for the birth, is the one to call on. S/he should know the desires of the laboring woman in advance and do her/his best to make them a reality, always with the understanding that anything can happen and that s/he may need to step aside.
Unfortunately, labor partners are rarely allowed into the labor room and almost never into the delivery room in Italy. This is partly a matter of privacy (in public hospitals, a woman is usually laboring alongside other women), but also a matter of control (the doctors would call it a matter of hygiene, but women also give birth in the woods and in public restrooms with little to no harm done, so I hold that explanation suspect). The laboring woman is thus left to the mercy of the nurses, midwives, and doctors on staff and that can be a crapshoot.
From all the birth stories I've heard and read about, and from my own experience, one of the keys to a birth without medical intervention is birthing position, being allowed to stand, squat, sit, lean, hang over something, and being allowed to move around during labor (the epidural prevents all of this). It is absurd to imagine that giving birth lying down is the ideal given the lack of gravity and the undue pain to the back. My doctor insisted I had to be on back for the pushing because how else would he be able to catch the baby (I still have to show him the photo I have of a doctor kneeling beneath a standing woman while she pushed her baby out). More comfortable for the doctor, not for the mom.
I did push La Bimba out on my back and it was hard, but in the end it was fine. In fact, labor and birth is the smallest blip on the giant screen of becoming a mother, so it is best not to dwell too much on it. It will be over before you know it and then the fun begins.
So, do your best to prepare for an ouchie time followed by post-natal bliss. And sleeplessness... Let your partner know your wishes and hopes. Let him know he should fight hard for you (at the end of the day Italians don't really like confrontation, so you can often get your way by throwing a fit or cajoling in a pointed manner).
It's going to be great!
You should have picked up Jenny McCarthy's book, "Belly Laughs" while in New York. I never read it, but from what I have read about the book it's straight and to the point. No beating around the bushes and sugar coating of anything. When I was pregnant, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" was THE book to have. I think I would rather have had Jenny's book instead!
One good thing to keep in mind is to NOT go into D-day with expections that things will go a certain way and that way only. Learn to accept NOW that when the day arrives, baby is in charge... and not you. No matter how hard you plan, the piccolino/a is the boss. If you keep that frame of mind, you will be fine.
One more thing. No matter how tough the labor and delivery may or may not be, it's amazing how the pain instantly disappears as soon as the baby comes out. Believe me!
My only tip is - try not to deliver at the weekend. Unfortunately, even though I had booked an epidural, I had the misfortune to be in labour when the anaesethiologist was on a break!
Closes thing that comes to giving birth is going on a class 5 whitewater rafting trip. You start off paddling away on a beautiful day, when you suddenly realize what is ahead. The waves rise up, you just have to keep paddling with your head down, stroke after stroke, until you get through it. No getting off the raft, even though you would like to and you wonder why you are on the thing in the first place.
Kataroma,
Yes, I can only hope my body will take over. I think it would be fascinating for the father (or whoever is in attendance) but less so for the mother. Not really looking forward to it...
Mimi,
It is true that you don't hear much about recovery. That's a good point.
Rompipalle,
I prefer intense to violent. My husband will be in the delivery room with me and hopefully can advocate for me though being Italian and used to this system where you kind of "take what you get," he can perhaps understand less my obsession with trying to control all of the small details. Again, I guess I have to try to accept that this isn't one of those situations where I will have much control.
Giulia,
I have What to Expect, and it's fine. They neither sugarcoat or overdramatize the birthing experience. I probably should just take a step back with all of the books and things I'm reading now and just let it all sink one. Too much information can be a bad thing.
Anonymous,
Well, again, if I could plan it, it wouldn't be on the weekend but sounds like I will have very little control. :)
Elizabeth,
Never been whitewater rafting because it sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would hate. I am not very good with just going with the flow. But I'm trying. I have no choice.
My 2cents: I agree with Rompi in that giving birth will end up as a blip on the motherhood scale. My birth experience was pretty bad but the good thing is that my body really surprised me -there comes a point that you know you're in pain but it doesn't bother you. In the end things do work out. It will be over before you know it.
Ross was born at Yale New Haven hospital and Enrico was allowed to be there with me the whole time - he was on his feet, rubbing my back, for 24 hours, bless him.
You can advocate for yourself - and you're likely to be loud about it. Look at it this way: this is one time in your life when you can scream as loud as you want and no one will think you're crazy. One nurse did advise me coldly to "put less energy into yelling and more into pushing." I may have offered to trade places with her...
I did not have an epidural because the idea of a needle in my spine scared me more than the pain did, and by the time I might have thought differently, it was too late. I did get some sort of local injection. I remember yelling at the nurse "Why isn't this working?" and she yelled back: "If it wasn't working, you'd feel worse!"
It was violent, it was intense, it was painful, it was long. I didn't tear, I got cut. Everybody came out fine.
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